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Whether it's about work, family, friends, or anything else, I'm sure you can think of a situation right now where you are anticipating some confrontation. And maybe you're freaking out. I understand! I've had some pretty heavy confrontation situations of my own lately, and it's STRESSFUL! But it's part of life, and I want to share what I've learned from my own situations in hopes that it might help you, whether you are the one confronting or being confronted. So here are a few things to keep in mind:
1. Remember that the other person is a person too. They have a point of view about the situation, regardless of if they're right or wrong, and you owe them the respect of trying to understand them just as much as you want them to understand you. So if you are the one being confronted, hear them out. It's the first step towards a productive conversation. If you're the one confronting, tell them at the beginning that you want to hear their thoughts when you are done.
2. Don't be afraid to tell them how you feel. Yes, you need to base the content of your conversation on reasons you may feel a certain way and give examples of whatever is concerning you, but people often respond to the disclosure of honest feelings in a way they may not respond to your fact-based accusations alone. It may lower their defenses a little. Are you really nervous about talking to them? Say, "The thought of this conversation has been stressing me out because I don't like confrontation, but I hope you'll hear me out." They probably don't like confrontation either, so they'll understand. Are you upset about how they treated you? Say, "It made me feel patronized when you said this," or, "It made me feel unappreciated when you said that." Maybe they did mean to make you feel that way out of spite, but maybe they didn't. That alone could be enough to end the conversation amiably.
3. Be prepared for retaliation and be ready to accept rejection. It may not end amiably. Resign yourself to the fact that as much as you want them to be on good terms with you, their pride may be more important to them than restitution, and you can't do anything about that. But what if it's awkward??! Oh it will be. But it will get less awkward as you realize that you did everything you could and the continued estrangement is their choice. Once you realize that, you'll see that they are the ones who should feel awkward, not you.
4. At the end of the day, all confrontation comes down to boundaries. Someone crossed a line they were not permitted to cross, and a a healthy view of yourself is dependent on communicating that boundary to them. They might not have known, or they might have, but either way they will probably continue to cross that boundary until you decide to prevent it. If you couldn't shrug it off and are feeling the need to confront (as much as you might not want to) then it probably means it was important enough of a boundary for you to defend. Give yourself the same respect you want from others, and speak up.
If I think of any more lessons learned on this topic, maybe I'll write another post, but I think these are some of the basics. If you want a good resource on boundary setting and keeping, I recommend the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It is very practical, easy to read, and inspiring. I'd love to hear any thoughts or questions on this. It's something I feel like I could keep adding points about, but I have to stop somewhere! Just remember that as scared as you may get, you're worth standing up for and ought to develop confidence in your ability to confront. Even if you're scared of it, you WILL be able to develop the art of confrontation if you try.
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