Pregnancy Diaries // Entry 1

Dear Blog,

Sorry we've kept you in the dark these days. It's been about 3 1/2 months since we found out, and we still haven't told you. There's a new Kauffman to report on, and even though he hasn't been born yet, he's already very much a part of our lives.

People say after they have a baby, they can't really remember it being any other way. I already feel that way, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet. I feel stuck between two worlds. I'm so excited to meet our son and hold him every day, but I'm still clinging to the beautiful times when it's just me and Levi. Our life is so good together, just the two of us, and I know it will be even better when it's 3, but it will be different. There will be 3, and there will be more sacrifices and more demands, and less of the "do whatever we want when we feel like it" times. Sometimes I try to remember what it felt like to not have this great expectation…to not already feel like parents…and I panic when I can't quite recreate that feeling deep in my heart. It's not that I don't want this, I just want to be able to remember the bliss of knowing nothing other than love for my husband. It's scary to love deeply, and it's even scarier for that depth of love to be expanded to include another.

But I'm getting so serious so soon. In those stuck-between moments, I just take a deep breath and some extra time to remember all of our sweet times together and to remind myself that we will still have our own sweet times that are ours alone, even after the baby is born.

Pregnancy apps and websites are always telling me that I should have a "pregnancy journal," but despite my greatest efforts, I've never been a successful journaler. I want to remember details of my pregnancy though, so I thought I would tell you instead. That's kind of like journaling, right?

That test was positive on Monday, March 3rd. I had taken a couple before, on occasions when I felt crappy and was looking for a better explanation than just being sick. This time I didn't feel crappy, I was just snowed in, working from home, bored…and had a curious, suspicious feeling. As the second line slowly turned pink, I could hardly believe my eyes. We had decided we were ready to go down this path, and there I stood at the very beginning. I turned all sweaty, walked in circles in the living room yelling "oh my god, ohmygodohmygod," buried my head in the couch pillows laughing and crying, then repeated all of the above for about 20 minutes. I was instantly overwhelmed with the responsibility of it all and the knowledge that God had chosen to entrust this child to me. There was no going back…no escape plan. Every time I checked the test, it was still positive. I wasn't dreaming.

Levi was at work but ended up coming home earlier that day than I was expecting, so I was glad I had already hung the positive test on the key rack by the door attached to a note that said, "Nov 3, 2014." It took him a few minutes to figure out what was going on, and then a while longer for it to sink in, but he picked me up and kissed me and couldn't wipe the the grin off his face. We announced to his family and my brother that night and then to my parents the next day on my mom's birthday. It took most of the week to get through all of the calls to the rest of the family, but the more people who knew, the more real it felt.

…[to be continued]

Our happy little bean at 12w2d