Mom Diaries // 10-27-14

It's true that no one can ever prepare you for what it's like to have a child. The love and fear of love, the joy, the despair. It's not the same for everyone, but this is how it was for me.

Clayton Barrett Kauffman joined our air-breathing world on Monday, 10/27/14 at 7:07am. I'm glad that I gave birth in the morning. I remember glancing toward the window, noticing that the sun was shining, and having a fresh feeling of newness and beginning. My active labor and Clayton's birth all happened in about 2 hours, but that was enough for me to find sweet relief in the rising sun. It was dark while I labored, and it was light when he was born.

Arriving at the hospital Sunday night.

We had been admitted to the hospital Sunday night to begin pre-induction because my blood pressure had been high since 37 weeks and I was borderline preeclamptic. I would be 39 weeks pregnant that Monday, and we didn't want to continue with the risk that the problem could escalate at any time. I was nervous about induction, not wanting a scheduled birth or to experience birth with Pitocin. But knowing that birth (and life) rarely goes exactly as planned, we arrived at the hospital Sunday night ready for whatever would come. We knew no matter what else came, our son surely would.

As it turned out, the medicine they gave me Sunday night to prepare me for Monday morning's Pitocin induction was all my body needed to send me straight into a labor that was faster than I ever dared to hope for. I contracted consistently through the night and was uncomfortable enough that I couldn't sleep, but nothing was intense enough that I needed to get up or do anything. Levi and his sister Rebekah, my doula, tried to sleep between nurse visits, and we all waited through the night, listening to the quieted beat of Clayton's heart through the monitor.

A good time capsule artifact…

At 3am the nurse came in and said I was contracting too frequently and she would take me off the medicine to slow things down. I'm so thankful for that break because it allowed me the only 30 minutes of sleep I got all night, and just a few minutes after I woke up, at about 5am, my water broke. I instantly went from a level of annoying discomfort to actual pain. I got up right away because it was too much to stay in bed through, and within 20 minutes I was on the floor wondering how in the world I would survive the hours and hours ahead of me.

Levi and Rebekah coached me through each breath for the next 40 minutes or so, and I went through what I didn't know at the time were the hardest parts of labor, thinking the whole time that I was just at the beginning. Around 6am something felt different. Rebekah called the nurse, who quickly determined it was time to call the doctor. Even though I knew why she would be calling him, I wouldn't let myself believe it until Rebekah confirmed. Clayton was coming, and coming quickly.



For the next 25 minutes until my doctor arrived, I clung to Levi's hand and the bed rail for dear life. Then Dr. Stokes walked in and the eternity of waiting ended. My world went from determined rage to calm and comfort. It is truly a gift for a doctor to carry that sense of safety, peace, and comfort with him and to be able to impart it instantly on his patients without having to say a word. He walked in and everything was ok, exciting, and almost even fun. He looked down at me and said good morning, I smiled…he chatted with others in the room for a few minutes…I remember there being laughter...the lights came on, and he said, "let's have a baby!"

I had never known that kind of intense focus

Dr. Stokes had arrived and everything was ok

Thirty minutes or less later, Clayton was born. I had instant relief, instant love, and instant amazement. I felt tears trying to form in my eyes but I couldn't cry. I could only gasp and stare at the perfect son who lay in my arms. He was soft, he was warm, he was beautiful. And he was Clayton. A couple days earlier we thought he would be Clayton, and he was. I marveled at his life and his birth. For days and weeks to come I could still hardly believe that I went in for an induction, aware that a lot of things would likely not go as desired, and left with a birth experience that was even better than I had hoped.

Just 15 minutes old

Me & Dr. Stokes at my 6-week postpartum checkup

…until next time, on a difficult recovery