Confrontation 101

I have come to view confrontation as an art. It is a delicate skill requiring practice and development. It also requires courage, because you're putting yourself out there and running the risk of a negative response or rejection. Unfortunately, whether you like it or not, life brings all kinds of situations requiring confrontation. The good news is that you can get better at it over time, and most confrontational situations utilize the same general skill set.

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Whether it's about work, family, friends, or anything else, I'm sure you can think of a situation right now where you are anticipating some confrontation. And maybe you're freaking out. I understand! I've had some pretty heavy confrontation situations of my own lately, and it's STRESSFUL! But it's part of life, and I want to share what I've learned from my own situations in hopes that it might help you, whether you are the one confronting or being confronted. So here are a few things to keep in mind:




1. Remember that the other person is a person too. They have a point of view about the situation, regardless of if they're right or wrong, and you owe them the respect of trying to understand them just as much as you want them to understand you. So if you are the one being confronted, hear them out. It's the first step towards a productive conversation. If you're the one confronting, tell them at the beginning that you want to hear their thoughts when you are done.

2. Don't be afraid to tell them how you feel. Yes, you need to base the content of your conversation on reasons you may feel a certain way and give examples of whatever is concerning you, but people often respond to the disclosure of honest feelings in a way they may not respond to your fact-based accusations alone. It may lower their defenses a little. Are you really nervous about talking to them? Say, "The thought of this conversation has been stressing me out because I don't like confrontation, but I hope you'll hear me out." They probably don't like confrontation either, so they'll understand. Are you upset about how they treated you? Say, "It made me feel patronized when you said this," or, "It made me feel unappreciated when you said that." Maybe they did mean to make you feel that way out of spite, but maybe they didn't. That alone could be enough to end the conversation amiably.

3. Be prepared for retaliation and be ready to accept rejection. It may not end amiably. Resign yourself to the fact that as much as you want them to be on good terms with you, their pride may be more important to them than restitution, and you can't do anything about that. But what if it's awkward??! Oh it will be. But it will get less awkward as you realize that you did everything you could and the continued estrangement is their choice. Once you realize that, you'll see that they are the ones who should feel awkward, not you.

4. At the end of the day, all confrontation comes down to boundaries. Someone crossed a line they were not permitted to cross, and a a healthy view of yourself is dependent on communicating that boundary to them. They might not have known, or they might have, but either way they will probably continue to cross that boundary until you decide to prevent it. If you couldn't shrug it off and are feeling the need to confront (as much as you might not want to) then it probably means it was important enough of a boundary for you to defend. Give yourself the same respect you want from others, and speak up.

If I think of any more lessons learned on this topic, maybe I'll write another post, but I think these are some of the basics. If you want a good resource on boundary setting and keeping, I recommend the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It is very practical, easy to read, and inspiring. I'd love to hear any thoughts or questions on this. It's something I feel like I could keep adding points about, but I have to stop somewhere! Just remember that as scared as you may get, you're worth standing up for and ought to develop confidence in your ability to confront. Even if you're scared of it, you WILL be able to develop the art of confrontation if you try.

How To: Not Annoy a Recruiter with Your Resume

Working in the recruiting department of a government contracting company has afforded me the experience of seeing a LOT of resumes. Every single day they pass before me in some form or another, and sadly, it is fairly rare that I see a resume that I just want to keep looking at or reading. It's very difficult to remain neutral or open-minded about a person when I see typos, bad grammar, and inconsistent formatting littering their resume. I have to decide whether to give them a shot or just disregard them entirely because of the lack of care and attention they gave their resume. 

But apart from the obvious mistakes such as typos, there are other elements on a resume that you may not realize are annoying the recruiter you are trying to impress! Of course recruiters are different and have their own pet peeves, but I thought it might be helpful to share the things I've picked up on over the course of the year that I've worked here.

Let's start with the Do-Not's:

• Do not use vague descriptive words with no meat behind them. Trust me, almost every resume in the world displays words like creative...innovative...hard worker...experienced...great communicator...organized...and on and on. If everyone were as awesome as they say they are, we'd live in a much better world. You may ask then, how are you supposed to describe yourself without using descriptive words?
• Do not describe yourself. Your resume is about displaying the work you have done. If you have a visually pleasing resume, it shows that you're creative and innovative. If you use clear, succinct language, it shows that you're a great communicator. If you give examples of projects you have accomplished or specific things you have done, it will show that you're a hard worker. Want to know what I do when I see 5 bullet points at the top of a resume trying to tell me how hard working and innovative a person thinks they are? Skip. Scroll. Look for actual examples of whatever they're saying they are. A lot of times I can't find them.
• Do not explain that you're "looking for a challenging career" or a "new work opportunity." No duh. So is everyone else. The only time something like this might be helpful is if you're being very specific. For example, "after spending 4 years as X I am seeking to apply my skills as Y or Z" This is especially helpful if you're posting your resume on a job board, because then I will know to call you if I'm looking for a Y or Z, or not to waste my time if I'm looking for an X. You've already answered the first thing I would ask you.
• Do not write in the 3rd person! Never thought I would have to actually say that...
• Do not include "personal interests." I have seen everything from "hiking" to "sewing" to "walking my dog on trails behind my house." Call your mother...I'm sure she'd be glad to hear all about it.

And now for some tips:

• Use bold headings of some kind to catch and guide the eye of the person reading. 
• Consider placing a text box off to the side to catch career highlights or a summary of accomplishments. Whatever way you do it, just make sure you're making the most of the space you have on a page.
• It's fine to have a "Summary" section if you're using it to summarize work you've done. It's even helpful a lot of the time. But just remember, it's a summary of your work, not a summary of your personality or work ethic.
• Everyone hates to hear this, but tailor your resume to the job description. Go through each line in the description and make sure your resume gives an example of how you have done what this job requires, even if it's only somehow related. Don't copy the wording exactly, but pick up on some of the words and place them in your resume to catch the reader's attention. (We really do skim as much as you're afraid we do.) 

If I think of any other potentially helpful ideas I'll add them, but I hope for now this is enlightening and useful even though it's long. If there are any particular questions or things that you wonder about putting in a resume, please leave a comment! I'd love to help however I can. The more good resumes that are out there, the easier my job is.

And as a side note, take a look at this article for a few impressive questions to ask at an interview.

The Career Woman: A Misconception

Career Woman

If you are familiar with or grew up anywhere near conservative Christianity or the homeschool movement, you know "The Career Woman." She most likely does not homeschool her children, she is believed to not love God or her family as much as she should, and she certainly does not have her priorities in the right order. She is captivated by the idea of worldly success and her selfishness keeps her from making the sacrifices necessary to being a godly woman/wife/mother. She is placed in contrast to the more ideal woman who does not succumb to these "pressures" from the world outside her home. This woman is not distracted by outside ambition and she is more pleasing to the Lord because her aspirations lie almost solely within her home.

Sound familiar?

Of course there are women who spend the majority of their time in the home and don't pursue careers, yet they don't consider themselves more pleasing to the Lord simply on account of this. I appreciate you. I do not think any less of the woman who is not pursuing a career and is instead home raising precious children and nurturing a hard-working husband. I don't claim to know my future, and that life may be in it someday. That is not who this is about.

Several months ago I came across a blog post that spoke of the godly trophy wife every woman is supposed to want to become in contrast to our above-mentioned "Career Woman." It wasn't anything I hadn't heard before, and I wasn't particularly shocked by anything it contained...for the most part. It talked about how as Christian wives we are called to take care of our husbands, homes, children if we have them, etc. I don't disagree. It got offensive, however, when it started down the path of saying that these things can't be done if a woman has a job outside the home. In this specific instance it was just talking about a wife with no kids taking care of her husband, and the author straight up said that if you are holding the standard 9-5 job, you are not able to be a good wife. Come again?!

And this is the idea I disdain. Keep in mind, at this point we're just talking about a woman with a job, much less a woman pursuing a career. But let's go ahead and talk about that big bad word: Career. What does it mean? If you type "define: career" into Google this is what you'll get:"An occupation undertaken for a significant period of a person's life and with opportunities for progress." If I think about the meaning of this word in the context of my own life I realize that I am pursuing a career. Listen, everyone: I am a career woman. I have professional goals I want to achieve and I don't plan on just letting them dissolve after I have kids. I'm not even getting into the question of homeschooling right now, or how many hours a week you have to be home to be considered a "devoted enough" wife or mother. At this point in my life, that is irrelevant. Right now, I am a career woman and I am not ashamed of that. I am not just biding my time until I become impregnated and can finally start fulfilling my real calling. I am pursuing a career, and guess what - I can do that without sacrificing my femininity, without sacrificing my husband, and without sacrificing my God.

So why does the idea of a career woman carry such a negative connotation, and how can we start overcoming that misguided notion? You may contend, "But there are women who care about their careers more than their families and who will stop at nothing to be on top of their professional worlds even if it means neglecting the most important people in their lives!" Yes, there are women like that. And it may be one of the saddest things in the world. So instead of deciding that it's more holy to avoid a career, how about be the career woman who gets it right? Who pursues - yes, pursues her career without shame but still keeps her life in balance and shows her family that they are still the most important thing in the world to her. My husband knows that nothing in this life will be more valuable to me than he and our family is, but he is secure enough to encourage me in my pursuits and help me advance in my profession. He realizes that it doesn't have to be either/or, and I think it would behoove a lot of people in the conservative Christian community to realize the same. 

Of course you may say that all of this is really easy for me to say when I don't have kids, and that I have no idea the craziness that ensues when they come. I bet you're right. And this is another topic for another day, but I think there are options for moms who still have career goals in mind. There are a lot of options. But my point right now is, Ladies, please don't be afraid of being a career woman. It doesn't bite. I'm here to encourage you if you've experienced the negative, judgmental sentiments that we receive from time to time. And I'm here to encourage us all to break the barriers of preconceived notions, engrained prejudices, and "righteous indignation" against the misconceived career woman. We're not as cold-hearted and selfish as a lot of people think.