The Career Woman: A Misconception

Career Woman

If you are familiar with or grew up anywhere near conservative Christianity or the homeschool movement, you know "The Career Woman." She most likely does not homeschool her children, she is believed to not love God or her family as much as she should, and she certainly does not have her priorities in the right order. She is captivated by the idea of worldly success and her selfishness keeps her from making the sacrifices necessary to being a godly woman/wife/mother. She is placed in contrast to the more ideal woman who does not succumb to these "pressures" from the world outside her home. This woman is not distracted by outside ambition and she is more pleasing to the Lord because her aspirations lie almost solely within her home.

Sound familiar?

Of course there are women who spend the majority of their time in the home and don't pursue careers, yet they don't consider themselves more pleasing to the Lord simply on account of this. I appreciate you. I do not think any less of the woman who is not pursuing a career and is instead home raising precious children and nurturing a hard-working husband. I don't claim to know my future, and that life may be in it someday. That is not who this is about.

Several months ago I came across a blog post that spoke of the godly trophy wife every woman is supposed to want to become in contrast to our above-mentioned "Career Woman." It wasn't anything I hadn't heard before, and I wasn't particularly shocked by anything it contained...for the most part. It talked about how as Christian wives we are called to take care of our husbands, homes, children if we have them, etc. I don't disagree. It got offensive, however, when it started down the path of saying that these things can't be done if a woman has a job outside the home. In this specific instance it was just talking about a wife with no kids taking care of her husband, and the author straight up said that if you are holding the standard 9-5 job, you are not able to be a good wife. Come again?!

And this is the idea I disdain. Keep in mind, at this point we're just talking about a woman with a job, much less a woman pursuing a career. But let's go ahead and talk about that big bad word: Career. What does it mean? If you type "define: career" into Google this is what you'll get:"An occupation undertaken for a significant period of a person's life and with opportunities for progress." If I think about the meaning of this word in the context of my own life I realize that I am pursuing a career. Listen, everyone: I am a career woman. I have professional goals I want to achieve and I don't plan on just letting them dissolve after I have kids. I'm not even getting into the question of homeschooling right now, or how many hours a week you have to be home to be considered a "devoted enough" wife or mother. At this point in my life, that is irrelevant. Right now, I am a career woman and I am not ashamed of that. I am not just biding my time until I become impregnated and can finally start fulfilling my real calling. I am pursuing a career, and guess what - I can do that without sacrificing my femininity, without sacrificing my husband, and without sacrificing my God.

So why does the idea of a career woman carry such a negative connotation, and how can we start overcoming that misguided notion? You may contend, "But there are women who care about their careers more than their families and who will stop at nothing to be on top of their professional worlds even if it means neglecting the most important people in their lives!" Yes, there are women like that. And it may be one of the saddest things in the world. So instead of deciding that it's more holy to avoid a career, how about be the career woman who gets it right? Who pursues - yes, pursues her career without shame but still keeps her life in balance and shows her family that they are still the most important thing in the world to her. My husband knows that nothing in this life will be more valuable to me than he and our family is, but he is secure enough to encourage me in my pursuits and help me advance in my profession. He realizes that it doesn't have to be either/or, and I think it would behoove a lot of people in the conservative Christian community to realize the same. 

Of course you may say that all of this is really easy for me to say when I don't have kids, and that I have no idea the craziness that ensues when they come. I bet you're right. And this is another topic for another day, but I think there are options for moms who still have career goals in mind. There are a lot of options. But my point right now is, Ladies, please don't be afraid of being a career woman. It doesn't bite. I'm here to encourage you if you've experienced the negative, judgmental sentiments that we receive from time to time. And I'm here to encourage us all to break the barriers of preconceived notions, engrained prejudices, and "righteous indignation" against the misconceived career woman. We're not as cold-hearted and selfish as a lot of people think. 

They Were Right

They tell you that it will be hard. That it could cross your mind that you're not sure if you can make it through. That you'll have to fight with every ounce of fiber in your body. That you have to make up your mind from the beginning because you might not be able to think straight later. But that it's all worth it in the end. That a strong marriage is so valuable, so transcendent, and so good that you will do anything to protect it. And they are right.

At first, it's hard to believe them when they say it's harder than anything in the world. What could ever happen to us? We're so in love, and we would never do anything to hurt one another. Not in a million years." The answers are anything, and yes you will. .....That it may be threatened. But we have such a good foundation. We're strong and forthright and open.

And then it strikes, and you have to fight. You lose your compass and you don't know up from down, but you have to fight anyway, because if you stop fighting, you might not recover, and then you'd lose the most valuable gift you know. You might feel like you've already lost it. But you have to keep fighting anyway, because it's still there...somewhere.

And then it happens, and you find hope. It happens, where the needle on the compass has been spinning out of control, but you thought you felt it slow down in one place. It still spins fast in every other place, except that one place where you think it might be focusing again. North. You know where it is now, and you keep your eyes on it, and slowly the needle spins slower until it stops and rests there. Your tears don't stop, because they've been flowing all along, but they're sweeter now, because you've found home again. His eyes; his arms. It's not over yet...the struggle, the pain, the work. But you're home again, and you realize that they were right. It's the hardest thing in the world. But it's worth more than you can possibly put into words.

A Dead Heart Loved

It was just a little thing. Something stupid. Mostly me being overly sensitive and inconsiderate. But I got in bed irritated and didn't snuggle up close like usual. He knew something was wrong, and I knew he knew. Usually he'll ask what it is and I'll tell him and we'll work it out eventually, I thought. He tried to pull me close but I didn't want to. I wanted him to ask. But he just rolled over, and I steamed.

Who knows how much time went by? I never looked at the clock. Just steamed. He rolled back over and tried to pull me close again, but I didn't want to. I wanted him to ask. And I wasn't going to say anything until he did. That's not very mature. Why don't you just say something? He'll listen. Silence. But he should ask.

More time went by, but how much more I do not know. And I only got angrier, and his breathing only got heavier as he went in and out of sleep. And I just told the newlyweds to not go to bed angry. And here I am. But he should have asked.

More time spent in internal fits and struggles went by. He was certainly asleep by now. And I was nowhere near sleep of my own. It's hard when his steady breathing that usually lulls me to sleep only makes me more resentful. I knew I wouldn't get to sleep like this. He was surely asleep, so he wouldn't know if I snuggled up to his back and wrapped my arms around him and listened to his heartbeat. So I did. And then I was asleep.

The alarm went off and I was so tired. Then I remembered that I was mad. Happy Monday. Some text messages were exchanged. I sent the last one and he never responded. He thought everything was resolved. They weren't. Never try to resolve issues with texts. And I didn't hear anything else for the rest of that long, miserable day.

And what a day. Last minute appointments. Inconsiderate bullies. Email, after email, after email. Would she ever shut up. Why won't he just be polite. Another offer letter, another FedEx box, another investigator, another file, another phone call. But secretly, I was glad, because it kept me from thinking about him. But it gave me this soul-sucking feeling of separation from the man I love most. Not a text, not a word...that's all I wanted. But my pride wouldn't let me send any of my own.

5:00 came and I couldn't have been happier. But what was this? My coworker said something and it started a story and before I knew it, I was slouched back in her cube with my feet kicked out like I had nowhere else to be. Usually I leave as soon as I can. So what was this? It was something in my subconsciousness that said I didn't want to be home. I didn't want to go to him. It should have concerned me, but I didn't really think about it. He'll wonder why you aren't back yet. ..... Let him wonder.

I stood up, wishing her story wasn't over. I guessed it was time to leave. 30 minutes had gone by and I was in my car going home, my whole heart dull like it couldn't even feel. I was hardly mad anymore. Just wounded; just limp; just numb. I didn't even feel like he was at home waiting for me. I almost felt like he didn't exist. Like he was a memory from a long time ago. Or a very long day ago. I thought this must be a little bit like what people feel like whose spouses have died, but after they've had many years to get used to it. That scared me. Maybe I grieved, but I don't really know. Whatever my heart was feeling, I don't exactly remember feeling it before.

At the stop light. Maybe he'll have put flowers on the table and have dinner cooking and welcome me home with open arms and I'll melt into tears and everything will be better. ..... That's not going to happen.

I opened the door, and it was dark. He was taking a kind-of nap on the couch. No flowers, no dinner, no open arms. I could hardly see when I came in, and it was irritating. I tried to prepare myself for what would be the next 2 hours, but how can you?

Time passed, the tears flowed, the heart and soul were laid out bare. I felt ignored, I felt worthless, I felt unloved, even though all of those things were lies sent to corrupt. He said that in the darkness of that room, he should have asked. I said I shouldn't have had the stupid problem from the beginning. How did that minor detail turn into the deadness of heart I felt less than 24 hours later? He said I should have just said something, and I agreed. Because really, most of the problem was me all along.

Now that it was all over, I just wanted him, and I wanted him to make me feel those things he is best at making me feel. Valued, cherished, loved, adored. Everything was resolved, but in the flurry of those destructive emotions, my heart still felt dead, and I couldn't handle that anymore. I would love to be taken out to the town center for dinner just because. But to say that would defeat the purpose. I want him to do that, not me. Like the flowers, and the dinner, and the open arms, except those didn't happen. Just forget it and try to be happy again.

He said we could go out to dinner if I wanted. I could re-do my makeup and change my clothes and we could go out and walk there and hold hands it could be a date and it would be fun. Just if I wanted, but it's ok if I don't. I told him what I had thought. I told him I wasn't going to say anything. I told him he had done it again. He had astonished me, and my heart melted within.

My face was washed, my makeup was fresh, and I was wearing my new sparkly earrings. I felt beautiful and I felt happy. He took my hand and we walked. We laughed, we hugged, we kissed, and we were happy. We waited for our food and talked like we were dating. Because we were. He had won my numb heart over and I was his prize. He had done it again. He had really, truly, unconditionally loved me. And my heart could not sing louder.

End of Year 2

I don't have many pictures at all from our anniversary this year, but I do have a couple! Between the busyness of packing, moving, unpacking, nesting, etc., we didn't actually go on a trip or anything this year. (I can't wait to get off the schedule of leases expiring on our anniversary!) We did go out to an Italian restaurant in a 100+ yr-old building in old downtown Herndon though. I didn't even know there was an old-town part, but there is, and it's pretty cute!

Levi surprised me by having roses delivered at work that day, which elicited many an excited co-worker to come ooo and ahhh at my desk. They were beautiful! Then I came home from work to be greeted by a second bouquet of flowers and a card!

Work Flowers

Home Flowers

 We got ready to go out to eat, but a bizarre rain storm slammed us right before we were going to walk out the door, so we had to sit it out inside for a few minutes before it cleared up. After a little while we were able to wade through the water that was still rushing through the parking lot and make it to the car in in one piece. But...

...once on the road we had to make a U-turn for Levi to go back to the house because he "forgot" his wallet. Once it was reclaimed, we finally made it to the restaurant where we were charmed by the classy atmosphere and had a great time together. But the real reason he went back to the house was to place a second card on the table, which I discovered later. He explained that since it was our second anniversary, I got two bouquets, two cards, and two sets of chocolates (which he had left in my car before I went to work that morning). He quickly added that I shouldn't expect that exact trend to continue every year. ;-) But what a thoughtful guy; I love him so much. And we're excited to see what our 3rd year of marriage holds!

Of "I-Do's" and "Happily-Ever-After's"

The past two weekends for me have centered around the two beautiful outdoor weddings of two wonderful couples. The first was over Memorial Day weekend, when Tyler and Tia became man and wife up here in Leesburg. I hardly got any pictures from that wedding because I was busy coordinating it, but I did get a few quick ones.

Then last weekend I was in SC for my long-time friend Katherine's marriage to her best friend Matt Hendrickson. It was a pretty surreal experience for me, considering that I knew Matt and his sister from my highschool debate days before Katherine even did, and considering that I still think of Katherine as being 16...except that she's not! I was able to get a few more pictures at that wedding. And yes, I am wearing the same dress. Because honestly, isn't it the perfect outdoor wedding dress to have?? That's what I thought too.

The ceremony was held in front of this little lake under the hovering live oaks. It was whimsical and classy at the same time.

Katherine's sister painted this - isn't it incredible??

They were the cutest Daddy-Daugher combo ever!

I love, love, love the southern plantation. Just look at those beautiful oaks...

Mom came home with me to visit for a few days after that. Boy was it nice to have a driving buddy on the way back home! It was a treat to have her around even though I still had to work during the day.

All in all, it's been a delightful past couple of weeks! But it's also really nice to have a weekend now where we can take a break and take it slow too. We kicked off our weekend this morning with talk of whether or not we will be moving closer to our jobs when our lease expires again next month. More on that to come...

A Year Ago...

Well, a little longer than that. But I didn't get this post up the week before our anniversary, so for all imaginative purposes, let's just say a year ago. Or, about a year ago...

On the morning of July 27, 2010, me, Matt, Aidan, and James piled into Matt's pick-up truck and made the trek from VA to SC to get ready for the wedding, just four days away. These guys:

I can't remember much about that trip, besides listening to a lot of Aidan's ipod, stopping for Starbucks in the POURING rain, and feeling a combination of overwhelmed and secure, besides the surreal excitement. Overwhelmed - because there were still many details to arrange. Secure - because I had the best team of friends in the world to make sure everything came together. And because this guy was in charge of turning the grocery list and menu into real food:

I mean come on. If you were the bride, you would have felt pretty confident too.

In those days before July 31, I did a lot of shopping, a lot of calling and texting, a lot of question-answering, and even some panicking when unexpected things happened or expected things didn't. I also had a bridal shower from my wonderful aunts and a fantastic bachelorette party in downtown Savannah from my best girls. The days passed by very fast and before I knew it, I was going to chapel to get married!

                      

                 

It was the best day of my entire life, and even still I have nostalgic moments where I wish I could go back just to experience it all again. Is it weird for a married person to find themselves a tiny bit jealous of other people on their wedding day? Of course, they're only starting the wonderful experience of marriage that you already have, but there's just something so special and exciting about the very first day. I wouldn't erase the best year of my life so far, but I would go back and live that day again if I could.

For our anniversary, Levi surprised me with appointments for a manicure, pedicure, and full, hour-long massage - talk about pampering! We had a delicious dinner afterward at Vintage 50 and stayed at a bed & breakfast in Lovettsville, where we had a few bites from the top of our wedding cake, which looked like this:

Whoever wrapped it up for its year of remaining life in the freezer either thought the flowers would be preserved in the freezer, or didn't think about it at all. And I'm going with the second guess. (Whoever you are......we forgive you. Just don't start a cake-preservation business. ;-) ) Needless to say, we couldn't really...eat it. But we had a good laugh!

Levi also gave me a poem called "365" that he wrote in exactly 365 words! (Wow, right??) Below are a few lines that I'll close with. They are a tribute to all of our faithful friends who helped make our wedding day what it was, and they recount the incredible excitement that we had about becoming husband and wife.

Around us came help, counselors, and friends

Proving that angels aren't all that God sends

Without their help, love, and prayer,

We'd have never made it there

Still our day came together.

On that day, I was so elated

For so long, I'd eagerly awaited

the day I would finally make you mine

And show I'd love you for all time

We joined hands together.

...and the rest of the year is history. I love you baby. :-)

...a little bit of life...

I've been married for 7 months to the man of my life-long dreams. And every day of ordinary life with him has been nothing less than extraordinary. Craig Morgan sums it up pretty well in one of my favorite country songs: "A Little Bit of Life."

And here's a little bit of our life since we've been married.

A little bit of tractor, a little bit of farm...

A little bit of cornfield, an' a little bit of barn...

...a little bit of c'mon, a little bit of play,

...a little bit of yee-haw in the hay,

...a Dixie cup of home-made wine, a little bit of life.

I breath in, I breathe out.

Yeah. Sleepin' all night with the windows down...

Up in the mornin', stirrin' around...

Drink a pot o' coffee and I head off to town.

...work, work, work, all day long,

...crank it up, back it up, bring it on home,

...supper on the table an' I eat me a bite...

Snuggle on the porch by the pale moonlight...

A little bit of me an' you doing alright...

A little bit of life.

A little bit of back-porch, a little bit of swing...

A little bit of wind-chimes a-going ding-a-ling.

A little bit of TV, a little bit of couch,

Popcorn smellin' up the house.

A-la-mode on a little slice of home-made pie...

A little bit of life.

A little bit of me an' you doin' alright...

...a little bit of life.

six months

Today Levi and I are celebrating six months of marriage! (I refrain from really calling this an anniversary, because for all technical purposes, those occur in increments of years. 

Just a small pet peeve.) 

But on a beautiful July afternoon six months ago, in a little Lowcountry baptist church with a white steeple, we were married, and began the happiest days of our lives. 

Last night when we couldn't fall asleep (because we were too full of chicken alfredo and cake from celebrating Jensen's birthday), I told Levi, It's kind of hard to believe that when you double the amount of time we've been married so far, it'll be a year. 

Not really, he said. But I thought so anyway.

Tonight we're going to celebrate at Olive Garden, where I'm sure we will have another picture I can add to this post later. :-)

 [later...]

Olive Garden (his first time ever!)

And the lovely roses he brought home to me. 

Happy Anyway

It's been kind of a hectic beginning of the new year in terms of things going wrong or needing to be sorted out. I was talking to a friend last night about life's phenomenon of everything deciding to happen at once. You know when there are just a lot of nagging things to fix, call someone about, or sort through? Basically, that. I know, my last post was kind of about that too, but what can I say - it's life right now.

After my car problems from the end of last year were fixed (it's great having a handy-man husband who wants to figure out how to replace radiators on his own), there may have been a time when everything was mended, still, and generally normal. And when I say my car problems were fixed, I mean now it runs, even though you can't really be sure by the sound of it, and the heater isn't very, well, heat-y.

So there was this still period for a little while. And then Levi came home one morning after working through the night and told me that he was in a wreck, after which it was determined that the car was totaled. Right after that we handled insurance companies, car rentals, a trip south for Christmas, getting a new car (that we still haven't picked up thanks to our bank), a trip north for New Years, signing up for Spanish classes, handling school finances, coordinating rides with people to pick up my car from the bus stop every morning, and Levi having sinus sickness.

On the way home from dropping Levi's sister off in Fredericksburg today (using a friend's car) it just dawned on me. I said to him, If you think about it...we have a lot of broken stuff right now. Only one car. That barely runs. Without a decently-working heater. AND a broken dvd player. (We really like watching movies together, so that might just as much a toughy for us as the car...)

A few seconds later he just shrugged - he does that a lot because he's chill like that - and said, I'm happy.

Yeah, I'm happy too, I said. I think I was just talking about it because it was the first time I really thought about it - probably because I'm happy anyway too.

I'd like to think that without Levi, I would be just as happy in the absence of these basic "life necessities." (How Americanized we are, yeah?) I'm not really sure though. But I think that's part of what marriage is about, right? - one person influencing the other in a positive way to help them grow. I am glad my husband isn't really concerned with material possessions and that he doesn't tend to let circumstances bend him out of shape. I think I would be weaker in that area without him. He has a shrug-and-move-on approach to a lot of things in life, which really helps me take things less seriously sometimes. 

I'm so happy I married him.

Thinking Back

It's been a relaxing Sunday in the Kauffman home. After we got back from church and Levi fixed lunch, we had a 2 hour nap-time, and since then we've been snuggling on the couch flipping back and forth between NFL playoffs and a Morgan Freeman movie from the 90's. We had an easy frozen ravioli and garlic bread dinner, Levi washed up the dishes a little while ago, and we might get around to planning out a dinner menu for the next couple of weeks. I love these kind of days.

I remember when I used to wonder what it must be like to be married. What it must be like to live with a husband - in our own home - and what it must be like to just relax on our couch and not have to worry about when we have to leave each other again. 

I hosted a bridal shower for a friend, Joyelle Parrish, this past Friday night. Her wedding is on January 22nd, and I just love the excitement that fills the weeks and days preceding a wedding.

I love thinking back to the weeks before I was married when I wondered what it all would be like. And now as I think back, part of me wishes I could do it again just for the wonder and excitement of it all. But at the same time, I'm so happy where I am that I wouldn't want to erase any of the time that has gone by, which has led to me sitting on my couch right now, watching football with my best friend, and looking forward to living another week of my life with him.