Thanks Giving

My heart is heavy with realization of the fleeting nature of human relationships and the unreliability of certain conditions of life in which we think we find security. I lost many coworkers yesterday to corporate layoffs—3 in my own department and more across our headquarters. You don’t expect to return to your desk, morning coffee in hand, to find your coworker leaving. For good. I didn’t even know she was leaving leaving until she was gone. And she was only the first. We lost 2 more before noon, and more tears were flowing and cubicles being emptied than work being done for the rest of the day.

We say how important people are and how the invaluable the “stuff” of life is compared to the relationships we build and the people we know. To know that in your head is good; to learn it in your heart is life-altering.  This may turn out to be the most meaningful Thanksgiving season I’ve known until now because it has been pressed upon my heart maybe more than ever how valuable the relationships I have are. I was sick a couple weeks ago for several days, and my husband spent day after day going to the store, cooking comfort food, cleaning the house, and taking care of my every need—even staying home from work to look after me on his birthday. I cried in his arms over feeling so loved and cherished, and I am still not over the awe I experienced from the sacrifices he made for me. I don’t ever want to be.

You never know when your job may be taken from you, your car may be wrecked, your house may be burgled or burned down. Those are terrible things. But then you never know when your coworker may leave and not come back, or your loved one may drive and not come home. The people we know and love are the true fabric of this life. When we truly see them, it is inevitable that thanksgiving will become not just a seasonal tradition, but a condition of the heart.

To my selfless husband, my loving families, my faithful friends: I love you more now than I ever have. And may I learn to love you and those who are strangers to me more and more the longer I live.

A Dead Heart Loved

It was just a little thing. Something stupid. Mostly me being overly sensitive and inconsiderate. But I got in bed irritated and didn't snuggle up close like usual. He knew something was wrong, and I knew he knew. Usually he'll ask what it is and I'll tell him and we'll work it out eventually, I thought. He tried to pull me close but I didn't want to. I wanted him to ask. But he just rolled over, and I steamed.

Who knows how much time went by? I never looked at the clock. Just steamed. He rolled back over and tried to pull me close again, but I didn't want to. I wanted him to ask. And I wasn't going to say anything until he did. That's not very mature. Why don't you just say something? He'll listen. Silence. But he should ask.

More time went by, but how much more I do not know. And I only got angrier, and his breathing only got heavier as he went in and out of sleep. And I just told the newlyweds to not go to bed angry. And here I am. But he should have asked.

More time spent in internal fits and struggles went by. He was certainly asleep by now. And I was nowhere near sleep of my own. It's hard when his steady breathing that usually lulls me to sleep only makes me more resentful. I knew I wouldn't get to sleep like this. He was surely asleep, so he wouldn't know if I snuggled up to his back and wrapped my arms around him and listened to his heartbeat. So I did. And then I was asleep.

The alarm went off and I was so tired. Then I remembered that I was mad. Happy Monday. Some text messages were exchanged. I sent the last one and he never responded. He thought everything was resolved. They weren't. Never try to resolve issues with texts. And I didn't hear anything else for the rest of that long, miserable day.

And what a day. Last minute appointments. Inconsiderate bullies. Email, after email, after email. Would she ever shut up. Why won't he just be polite. Another offer letter, another FedEx box, another investigator, another file, another phone call. But secretly, I was glad, because it kept me from thinking about him. But it gave me this soul-sucking feeling of separation from the man I love most. Not a text, not a word...that's all I wanted. But my pride wouldn't let me send any of my own.

5:00 came and I couldn't have been happier. But what was this? My coworker said something and it started a story and before I knew it, I was slouched back in her cube with my feet kicked out like I had nowhere else to be. Usually I leave as soon as I can. So what was this? It was something in my subconsciousness that said I didn't want to be home. I didn't want to go to him. It should have concerned me, but I didn't really think about it. He'll wonder why you aren't back yet. ..... Let him wonder.

I stood up, wishing her story wasn't over. I guessed it was time to leave. 30 minutes had gone by and I was in my car going home, my whole heart dull like it couldn't even feel. I was hardly mad anymore. Just wounded; just limp; just numb. I didn't even feel like he was at home waiting for me. I almost felt like he didn't exist. Like he was a memory from a long time ago. Or a very long day ago. I thought this must be a little bit like what people feel like whose spouses have died, but after they've had many years to get used to it. That scared me. Maybe I grieved, but I don't really know. Whatever my heart was feeling, I don't exactly remember feeling it before.

At the stop light. Maybe he'll have put flowers on the table and have dinner cooking and welcome me home with open arms and I'll melt into tears and everything will be better. ..... That's not going to happen.

I opened the door, and it was dark. He was taking a kind-of nap on the couch. No flowers, no dinner, no open arms. I could hardly see when I came in, and it was irritating. I tried to prepare myself for what would be the next 2 hours, but how can you?

Time passed, the tears flowed, the heart and soul were laid out bare. I felt ignored, I felt worthless, I felt unloved, even though all of those things were lies sent to corrupt. He said that in the darkness of that room, he should have asked. I said I shouldn't have had the stupid problem from the beginning. How did that minor detail turn into the deadness of heart I felt less than 24 hours later? He said I should have just said something, and I agreed. Because really, most of the problem was me all along.

Now that it was all over, I just wanted him, and I wanted him to make me feel those things he is best at making me feel. Valued, cherished, loved, adored. Everything was resolved, but in the flurry of those destructive emotions, my heart still felt dead, and I couldn't handle that anymore. I would love to be taken out to the town center for dinner just because. But to say that would defeat the purpose. I want him to do that, not me. Like the flowers, and the dinner, and the open arms, except those didn't happen. Just forget it and try to be happy again.

He said we could go out to dinner if I wanted. I could re-do my makeup and change my clothes and we could go out and walk there and hold hands it could be a date and it would be fun. Just if I wanted, but it's ok if I don't. I told him what I had thought. I told him I wasn't going to say anything. I told him he had done it again. He had astonished me, and my heart melted within.

My face was washed, my makeup was fresh, and I was wearing my new sparkly earrings. I felt beautiful and I felt happy. He took my hand and we walked. We laughed, we hugged, we kissed, and we were happy. We waited for our food and talked like we were dating. Because we were. He had won my numb heart over and I was his prize. He had done it again. He had really, truly, unconditionally loved me. And my heart could not sing louder.

End of Year 2

I don't have many pictures at all from our anniversary this year, but I do have a couple! Between the busyness of packing, moving, unpacking, nesting, etc., we didn't actually go on a trip or anything this year. (I can't wait to get off the schedule of leases expiring on our anniversary!) We did go out to an Italian restaurant in a 100+ yr-old building in old downtown Herndon though. I didn't even know there was an old-town part, but there is, and it's pretty cute!

Levi surprised me by having roses delivered at work that day, which elicited many an excited co-worker to come ooo and ahhh at my desk. They were beautiful! Then I came home from work to be greeted by a second bouquet of flowers and a card!

Work Flowers

Home Flowers

 We got ready to go out to eat, but a bizarre rain storm slammed us right before we were going to walk out the door, so we had to sit it out inside for a few minutes before it cleared up. After a little while we were able to wade through the water that was still rushing through the parking lot and make it to the car in in one piece. But...

...once on the road we had to make a U-turn for Levi to go back to the house because he "forgot" his wallet. Once it was reclaimed, we finally made it to the restaurant where we were charmed by the classy atmosphere and had a great time together. But the real reason he went back to the house was to place a second card on the table, which I discovered later. He explained that since it was our second anniversary, I got two bouquets, two cards, and two sets of chocolates (which he had left in my car before I went to work that morning). He quickly added that I shouldn't expect that exact trend to continue every year. ;-) But what a thoughtful guy; I love him so much. And we're excited to see what our 3rd year of marriage holds!

It's Official

Due to the 60 miles I travel and roughly 100 miles that Levi travels every day for work, we've decided to start looking for a place to live in Reston. It would cut my travel down to less than 10 miles total and Levi's down to about 30 total, which when combined, is less than mine alone right now! Our lease is up here at the end of July, so we have at least a few more weeks, but they are going to go by fast.

It's taken me a long time to come around to the idea of moving because I love where we're at so much. There's just something about the first place you live together. I remember coming here for a party when the Olmsteads lived here before us, and thinking what a cute little place it was. Then I came another time when Jennifer was designing our wedding invitations, and thought again what a cute little place it was. They were in the process of moving out that time, and we hadn't lined up a place to live yet, so within a few weeks, it was ours to rent! I was amazed at how it worked out, and I couldn't wait to move in.

When we got back from our honeymoon, we opened the front door to piles of wedding gifts and unpacked belongings strewn all over the house. For I think just the first night, we slept in the living room because that's the section of the floor that our mattress happened to occupy at the time. It looked like this:

 We did eventually get settled in though, and had a lot of fun in the process. Two years have flown by since that time, but it also feels like we've just always been here. There are a lot of things I'll miss about this happy place.

I'll miss hearing the baseball games that go on across the street. I'll miss the sort-of musty smell of an older house that says "welcome home" when you've been gone for a while. I'll miss the solid wood cabinets in the kitchen that have the latches you push when you want to open them. I'll miss the creaky floorboards. I'll miss having a full basement with extra storage space, and a little red shed in the back yard. Speaking of that, I'll miss my own yard. I'll miss the chance to garden in it, even though the most I ever did was pick the fresh mint that someone else planted.

We'll miss a lot of things, but we're also excited about what we'll gain. For instance, it will be GREAT to have a dishwasher! We're looking forward to carpet to walk on and I'm looking forward to vacuuming. I love vacuuming. We'll have pool access, be in close proximity to the Town Center with lots of fun restaurants and shops, AND...we'll be close enough to DC to be able to go in more often for date nights or Saturday adventures.

Don't tell anyone, but the more I warm up to the idea, the more excited I get about it. That doesn't take away how much I'll miss this house and the little town of Purcellville that has been home for the past 4 1/2 years, but it won't all be doom and gloom. We'll make more memories and keep growing in love no matter where we are, and that's always something to look forward to.

I took this picture I think on the first day Levi had to go back to work after we moved in. I was waiting for him to get home any minute and I remember just being so excited about my new life with him. That's always what I'll think of when I see this picture.

brag moment

This was the song I had stuck in my head when I got home this afternoon...but thanks to my wonderful husband, I don't feel that way anymore!

I'd just like to say: I have the best, most tender, most loving husband in the world. He shows me patience and grace that only comes from Christ, and he means more than the whole world to me. He's that guy at the end of the video who brings the umbrella. :)

One of "Those" Days

It's been one of those days.

One of those days where you couldn't fall asleep til 2am the night before.

Image Via

One of those days where you forgot to put the water in the coffee pot, so when you go to get it in the morning...there is no coffee. And speaking of coffee, one of those days where your favorite coffee shop happens to be closed. No afternoon coffee perk for you.

Those days where you deal with some people (probably more than one), and just want to say "what are you thinking??" But you can't.

Where you just embrace anything and everything that seems to be wrong and try to laugh (ok, in scorn maybe, but at least it's laughter) to make it a little better.

One of those days where in a couple of hours, the love of my life will walk through the front door, wrap me up in his big arms, give me tender kisses, and put a happy smile on my tired face.

I think it's not such a bad day after all. :-)

(A steak dinner helps a lot too! mmm...)

A Year Ago...

Well, a little longer than that. But I didn't get this post up the week before our anniversary, so for all imaginative purposes, let's just say a year ago. Or, about a year ago...

On the morning of July 27, 2010, me, Matt, Aidan, and James piled into Matt's pick-up truck and made the trek from VA to SC to get ready for the wedding, just four days away. These guys:

I can't remember much about that trip, besides listening to a lot of Aidan's ipod, stopping for Starbucks in the POURING rain, and feeling a combination of overwhelmed and secure, besides the surreal excitement. Overwhelmed - because there were still many details to arrange. Secure - because I had the best team of friends in the world to make sure everything came together. And because this guy was in charge of turning the grocery list and menu into real food:

I mean come on. If you were the bride, you would have felt pretty confident too.

In those days before July 31, I did a lot of shopping, a lot of calling and texting, a lot of question-answering, and even some panicking when unexpected things happened or expected things didn't. I also had a bridal shower from my wonderful aunts and a fantastic bachelorette party in downtown Savannah from my best girls. The days passed by very fast and before I knew it, I was going to chapel to get married!

                      

                 

It was the best day of my entire life, and even still I have nostalgic moments where I wish I could go back just to experience it all again. Is it weird for a married person to find themselves a tiny bit jealous of other people on their wedding day? Of course, they're only starting the wonderful experience of marriage that you already have, but there's just something so special and exciting about the very first day. I wouldn't erase the best year of my life so far, but I would go back and live that day again if I could.

For our anniversary, Levi surprised me with appointments for a manicure, pedicure, and full, hour-long massage - talk about pampering! We had a delicious dinner afterward at Vintage 50 and stayed at a bed & breakfast in Lovettsville, where we had a few bites from the top of our wedding cake, which looked like this:

Whoever wrapped it up for its year of remaining life in the freezer either thought the flowers would be preserved in the freezer, or didn't think about it at all. And I'm going with the second guess. (Whoever you are......we forgive you. Just don't start a cake-preservation business. ;-) ) Needless to say, we couldn't really...eat it. But we had a good laugh!

Levi also gave me a poem called "365" that he wrote in exactly 365 words! (Wow, right??) Below are a few lines that I'll close with. They are a tribute to all of our faithful friends who helped make our wedding day what it was, and they recount the incredible excitement that we had about becoming husband and wife.

Around us came help, counselors, and friends

Proving that angels aren't all that God sends

Without their help, love, and prayer,

We'd have never made it there

Still our day came together.

On that day, I was so elated

For so long, I'd eagerly awaited

the day I would finally make you mine

And show I'd love you for all time

We joined hands together.

...and the rest of the year is history. I love you baby. :-)

Love Him

Did you know I've never been more in love with you than now?

Levi remembered that we've been married 8 months today before I did. (To my credit, my coffee is not yet fully consumed this morning.) He texted me the above reminder (along with a bunch of typed-out kisses) when I woke up this morning, putting a brand new smile on my face just like he does every other day.

I never doubt how much he loves me. There's never a split second where I wonder or wish he would just love me a little bit more. I don't even know how he loves me more than the day we got married. I just assume it's the same way I love him more too. 

He's the one who does dishes for me after he's had a long day at work. He's the one who gets back out of bed when I forgot to get my glass of water. Then he rolls back out of bed at 4:30 in the morning to get on a bus that carries him to a desk where he pokes at a keyboard all day so that he can keep bringing flowers home to me. And then when he finds out that I don't really like daisies and strange kinds of blue-dyed flowers, he brings home roses instead just so I can look at some flowers I actually like.

When I don't hear him all the way out and start making objections to whatever he's thinking about, he doesn't get mad at me...he just gets that look on his face that says It doesn't really matter...we can talk about it later. And then I wonder how I ever got him in the first place.

I'm so glad he's mine and I'm so blessed to be so loved. And somehow I know that 8 more months down the road, although I'm not sure how it's possible, I'll love him even more. 

...a little bit of life...

I've been married for 7 months to the man of my life-long dreams. And every day of ordinary life with him has been nothing less than extraordinary. Craig Morgan sums it up pretty well in one of my favorite country songs: "A Little Bit of Life."

And here's a little bit of our life since we've been married.

A little bit of tractor, a little bit of farm...

A little bit of cornfield, an' a little bit of barn...

...a little bit of c'mon, a little bit of play,

...a little bit of yee-haw in the hay,

...a Dixie cup of home-made wine, a little bit of life.

I breath in, I breathe out.

Yeah. Sleepin' all night with the windows down...

Up in the mornin', stirrin' around...

Drink a pot o' coffee and I head off to town.

...work, work, work, all day long,

...crank it up, back it up, bring it on home,

...supper on the table an' I eat me a bite...

Snuggle on the porch by the pale moonlight...

A little bit of me an' you doing alright...

A little bit of life.

A little bit of back-porch, a little bit of swing...

A little bit of wind-chimes a-going ding-a-ling.

A little bit of TV, a little bit of couch,

Popcorn smellin' up the house.

A-la-mode on a little slice of home-made pie...

A little bit of life.

A little bit of me an' you doin' alright...

...a little bit of life.